Yeah, I Posted Again

•September 18, 2009 • Leave a Comment

It’s getting late. My boy is at work. Apparently he will be there pretty late this time.  For some reason I really miss him. We got in another fight this morning because I got bothered with him playing video games.  Yes, he’s a gamer. WoW, Warhammer, and now Aion (which I wont lie, is an AWESOME game.) I like to play these games too, so I guess it’s hypocritical of me to be upset with him for playing it.  But here’s the deal. It’s not even out yet and I barely see him. Or so it feels. Maybe I’m just needy. That’s totally possible.

It starts this Sunday…I’m terrified that I won’t ever see him. Granted, he does play here at the apartment on his computer… But I don’t get to hang out with him. I can just watch. One of these days I’ll have a computer that can run the game (my lappy would explode if I tried playing it here) and we can play together, which will be nice… I guess I’ll have to be patient til I can afford such a luxury.  I just miss him. My favorite thing in the world is to hang out with him, hold his hand, walk around with him.  I love him. When we’re apart, I get so sad. I think that’s part of my depression. I don’t feel like he’s here with me when he’s doing “guild stuff.”
I’ve brought it up with him… His conclusion is saying he’ll never game again… Which I can’t ask him to do that. Gaming is all he has. It’s all he does, and that’s where his friends are. I’d feel horrible taking his life away from him. Besides…like I said, I like gaming too. I just wish we could have like…at least one hour a day where it’s just us. No forum checking. No Vent in the background. No Yahoo Messenger dinging. No cell phones. No nothing. Just he and I. But I don’t think he understands that.  Oh well.  You can’t have everything in the world, right?
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I have a kitten, Lady.  She cracks me up. She is my light in the darkness. I have never had a pet that I truly had to take care of entirely on my own.  She’s my baby.  My parents let me have her when I moved out. Granted she’s a handful, but she’s something I can count on to come to me when I’m sad, hair-tie in mouth, ready to do something so incredibly cute that I can’t help but smile at. She’s an inbred-inbred (thank you Linds) and one of my best friends.  She’s stretched out right next to me, like this:
Ha, as I type this, she watches the words move.  Its comforting to have a baby like her. She doesn’t care when I’m upset. She’ll come to me anyway. She sleeps on me every night, even though I kick her off sometimes.  She’s in my face purring if I lay down. I love her to death.
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Tried to change the subject… Epic fail. I miss him. I know it’s stupid to miss someone when they’re only gone for a few hours, when you spend all your time with them. But I do. I’m so lonely right now. I don’t even have any desire to do anything. I don’t know why. I’m used to being on my own. Taking care of myself. Thinking for my self. But now, I don’t. He’s my life.  I wish he knew this. I wish he’d write too. I wish I could show all of you how happy he really makes me…But what do I know? Maybe no one reads this. Maybe no one cares. Oh well, it makes me feel better to write it.
I love you baby. I love you so much.
Just let it be, come on and bring your body next to me,
I’ll take you away, hey, turn this place into our private getaway,

So leave it behind ’cause we, have a night to get away,
So come on and fly with me, as we make our great escape.

So baby don’t worry, you are my only,
You won’t be lonely, even if the sky is falling down,
You’ll be my only, no need to worry,
Baby are you down down down down down,
Down, Down,
Baby are you down down down down down,
Down, Down,
Even if the sky is falling down,

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Pink is on the music channel right now. Well, her video anyway. I really like her. I like how she’s real with her verses. I think she’s a fantastic artist. But that’s just my two cents.

I might be done posting tonight. I might not. Who knows. I sure don’t. I missed writing out my life. I missed it a lot.

Escape

•September 18, 2009 • Leave a Comment

I know people always write about their problems. Their woes, their sadness, their pain… But when I read these before I always thought that it was bullshit. Total bullshit. No one’s life is that bad.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not here to say how bad my life is. It’s really not bad at all. It’s amazing next to some peoples. I live in Indianapolis, a city that’s not too big, but not a corn town either. I have my own apartment in an 8 apartment complex privately owned by a nice couple, and filled with all my friends. I have a caring, hardworking boyfriend. He loves me, and I love him right back.  I don’t drink too often, mainly only to share a bottle of wine with him. I only smoke on occasion too. My health is decent, most of the time, and I’m a successful student and worker at a childcare center.

So whats my issue? Why am I writing my first blog and entitling it ‘Escape’?  I’m trying to figure myself out right now. Since I left for school I’ve been on a round-about change. Well, before I even graduated it started I suppose.  I’ve made a lot of mistakes… But I feel like even though I gave up drinking heavily, chain smoking, and moved to a new place… I’m still in a hole.

I’m with an amazing man. My fiance makes my life complete. I spent all summer coming to him before I moved down, and it was the happiest times I’ve had in a long time.  He holds me every night, kisses me often, and hugs me when I’m down. Or he did. Now, I can’t seem to smile for him. I know inside that I love him to death, but it’s like there’s a block keeping me from being able to show happiness. I have to force smiles, I barely laugh. It’s not cause I don’t want to… Its just not there to come out. It’s killing me and taking a toll on our relationship. I watch it fall apart and I try so hard to fight to keep it and smile more… But I always end up back in the hole.

He, bless his heart, tries really hard to make me happy…and when it works and I can’t bring myself to show it, it frustrates me and we end up fighting  about it. I know him leaving will not make this better. I know this. We’ll both fall apart…  God I love him so much.

I’m trying to figure out what is so wrong in my head that I seem to be behind a wall. Is it depression? I’m on lexapro sometimes… But it seems to turn me into a zombie. Is there something I can’t let go? I couldn’t tell you. Maybe you have an answer. Maybe you don’t. All I know is, I am going to write here as I go through life. My thoughts, my doings, my emotions… Maybe this will lead me to the truth. Feel free to give me advice, ideas, and topics to ponder. Send me laughs, send me cries, send me anything.  I’m tired of hurting him. I’m tired of hurting in general. I’m ready to Escape.

Dont You Wish This Worked Sometimes...

Don't You Wish This Worked Sometimes...